I started off with these blog posts as an online journal of sorts. I have no idea if anyone is even reading them but honestly, I’m writing them for myself anyway so even if I’m the only one that sees these words, it’s worth it.
Sometimes I struggle with anxiety about the future. I don’t like the unknown and not being able to ‘see’ the path that I’m on. I went from having my life somewhat mapped out to now having no idea where I’ll even be in the next year. It’s hard for me. I don’t want to say that I don’t like change especially when I know that from change comes growth and other amazing things, but I don’t like uncertainty. I don’t like not knowing where I will be, living in limbo where I know that things can’t stay as they are but having no idea what or how things will be. It gives me anxiety and a sense of urgency to figure it all out, NOW! The hardest part of it all is that I am not yet in a place where I can even try to figure it out. It’s literally impossible for me at this point to know where I will be or what will happen, or what the timeline for any of it will even be. I hate it. I wish so badly that I could just ‘be’ in this moment, in this season of my life and be okay with it, with not knowing where I will end up. I try so hard to focus on what I have to be grateful for right now, to live in the moment and take it ‘one day at a time’ and not worry about what will be. Sometimes I’m successful at it but there are other times, like now, where I feel like I’m drowning in it all. I find it hard to even really pin point what it is I’m even struggling with! Is it not knowing about financial security? Is it not knowing where I’m even going to be living or what kind of home I’ll have? I have such big dreams and hopes and I’m terrified that they won’t happen, that I will end up feeling like a failure or make wrong decisions. I like to be in control. I don’t like feeling like my life is in the hands of so many possibilities or that I am living day to day just aimlessly going about the mundane without getting anywhere.
I’ve been dealing with some heavy things the past year and a half and I think part of me is just so done with it and wanting so desperately to finally be on the other side of it all that I don’t know how to continue living in the now, waiting longer for whatever it is that I’m going to find or be. I have never been a very patient person and this journey has shown me that there are some things that are out of my control and I just have to go with it. I must have faith that things will turn out how they are meant to…that I will come out of this a better version of myself and where I am ‘meant’ to be. I know not all people believe in that kind of thing and before all of this I wasn’t quite sure I did either but now I choose to believe it because without it, I am just way too lost, and I can’t live that way. Some days are easier and some days I really struggle. Right now, I am struggling a lot with it all and I just want to close my eyes and not open them until it is all over. I just want someone to tell me the outcome when I’m at the end of it. I feel like I live in a constant state of waiting, of anticipation and of wondering all these ‘what ifs. It’s exhausting.
This season of my life has shown me a lot of things. It has shown me that I have an inner strength and grace that I didn’t know existed. It has shown me that I can put everything aside for the sake of my daughter and do what is best for her even when it feels like walking over broken glass for me. It has shown me that although I thought I had it all together before, I had and still have a lot of learning to do about myself and who and what I want to be. I am grateful for that. I truly believe that my best life is out there and that these hard times had to happen for me to wake up and see that where I was, wasn’t where I needed to be. I was meant to have and be more. I love learning about myself and growing within myself and if that’s the biggest positive I can take away from this experience then I’m happy with that. I just can’t wait to finally find the inner peace I am longing for!
Much love, Christina xo